7-year-old me. Who’s the boss?
Sometimes change happens because of a major life adjustment: you move across the country, someone close to you dies, your lover leaves you.
And other times, change just subtly slides in causing a small ripple that triggers some very subtle, yet powerful shifts.
This is what happens to most of us.
For most of us, change happens so slowly we barely notice it. So we get discouraged.
This is how I’ve felt about a lot of things in my life, but most noticeably it’s been my experience with my weight.
For most of my life I’ve been overweight.
The last time I was a “normal weight” was probably when I was six or seven. While, I’ve always been heavy, I didn’t grow up self-conscious about my size, I was just aware that I was bigger—both taller and heavier—than the other kids my age.
But it wasn’t until fifth grade that I really took notice.
I had just switched schools and was trying to make friends. And for some reason all the kids had to weigh-in and have our vitals checked. I remember stepping on the scale and the nurse writing the number on a paper and sticking it into an envelope for our parents.
Of course, once all of the kids got their envelopes, we didn’t wait for our parents to open them. We tore into them and started comparing the numbers.
As I listened to my friends yell out, “112” or “126” or “115,” I stared at my number and decided to lie.
One Hundred and Seventy-Four.
Although I certainly didn’t look it–blame my big bones (ha!)–in the fifth grade I weighed 174-pounds.
174. 174. 174.
That number damn near leaped off the page and attacked me.
Me at 174lbs.
Before fifth grade I had no reason to worry about my weight. I ran relay races on the sidewalk against the boys in my neighborhood; played Frisbee with my brother; and rode my bike up and down the block for hours. I certainly didn’t feel fat, but apparently I was.
Since the fifth grade I haven’t stopped lying about my weight. On my driver’s license, on my passport, to boyfriends who’ve casually ask, to my mom.
In high school I was so self-conscious about the number on the scale that I forged the sports physical forms that I needed to turn into my coaches.
Sure, I was always the “thick” girl…but I wasn’t about to divulge just how thick.
This fudging of the numbers has plagued me my whole life, and as I approach another birthday, I’m so over it.
This year I began the year the heaviest I’ve ever been, and the number startled me to action (no…I’m not sharing it).
And while I’ve gained and lost upwards of 30-pounds multiple times before, this time just feels different.
I can’t explain it.
I can’t put into words why this time is different than all the others, but I know it is. It just feels that way.
It’s sort of like when I made the commitment to go to therapy because life was overwhelming me, and I walked out feeling like a woman on the mend.
You just know.
Perhaps you’ve felt like that in the past. Or maybe you feel like this now.
If you’re in the process of changing your life—again—or trying to finally beat that thing that’s had you in a vice grip all these years, and the only answer you can offer to your friends and family who wonder how you know you’ll actually do it this time is this time it just feels different–know that it is enough.
And I totally understand.
~~
I wish I could explain it. 2012 was the second worst year of my life. 1979, the year my mom committed suicide remains number one. So yeah, last year was THAT bad. Despite it being so, somehow my soul remains unshaken. Every now and again I see tiny slivers of grace and favor. Microcosm sized shifts beckoning me forward as if to say, “My dear you are finally on the right path”. For every painstaking step I make the Holy Spirit matches it, and raises me two. Possibly that’s how I know. 🙂
Thanks for sharing that, Rashinda! And you are DEFINITELY on the right path! I’m so thankful that we linked up a few years ago. You & your knowledge have been such a wonderful influence in my life & others. Thank you!
The times that I just knew I was on the path to a real change or breakthrough were those times when I didn’t need to convince my friends. Like the time I needed to end things with someone who was absolutely destroying my self-esteem, I just did it (well, there was changing my number/email address, etc.). When friends said they didn’t believe me because I’d gone back multiple times before, I just shrugged. Everything in me said chapter ended, I’m moving on and it was such a strong, steady feeling that their doubts didn’t mean anything to me.
Good luck on your commitment to being healthier.
Thanks Yoneco!
And that is a great way to know. Hmm….
YES, LAWD! Because this time I am so tired of being tired, or watching others do things I know I can do. Because this time, I have a better understandning of what it is to fail, and frankly, failure has been like that bad boyfriend you can’t shake. You KNOW you can do better, your friends and family know you can do better, but it just be callin you, mayne! Nothing changes until you change. Until you make the decision. The past few years have been really challenging for me, and I have been so scared to take leaps for “good’ reasons: single mom, scared to shake things up for my kid, looking for stability. But realism doesn’t make things better. Sometimes it can make us stuck. So, now that I have perfected what NOT to do, I figure it’s as good a time as any to try something new because worse case scenario, I know what will happen. I have already lived the life of lack, or fear, of misery. Time to move on to different (not necessarily greener, all changes come with challenges) pastures.
“This time I’m so tired os being tired…”
yes yes yes!
I really relate…one thing I like to think about is how some people believe that no matter what, every moment is different from the next. Eckhart Tolle talks about it on Youtube. So I’d say there’s a whole belief system that supports your statement….this time is different. You’re right!
Thanks for sharing that Najat! I will have to look up a few of his vids.