This is what happens inside my head.

If you’re like me, that question might just throw you for a loop. While I can rattle off a long list of things I don’t want (an office job, a dysfunctional relationship, more debt, a mundane life), I’m kinda hard-pressed to name the things I REALLY want out of life beyond the obligatory answer, “To be happy!”

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my need to get crystal clear on what I want out of life. While I’ve done a pretty good job of sort of floating along based on a loose idea of what it is (to be a writer), when I think about it, I really have no clue what else I want out of life (well, this is not exactly true, but keep reading).

Last night, I ran across a Kundalini meditation technique aimed at breaking through blocks, and because I’ve been feeling particularly metaphysical lately, I decided to give it a shot.

While I sat Indian-style in my living room, breathing rapidly with my arms in the air, I began to feel hot. Perhaps it was because I was trying to concentrate on getting my breathing just so, or perhaps it was because I was generating some serious energy. Whatever the case may be, I was completely calm by the end of it all.

As I sat there in silence, the word “love” kept reverberating through my mind. And while I’d like to be in a loving relationship, I’m pretty sure romantic love wasn’t the only thing on my mind.

The little voice inside me kept saying, “Love…love…love…” and as I asked what it meant, I got a simple answer in return: Life.

How New Agey of me.

Years of trying to figure out what I want, and three intense minutes of rapid breathing later, and the answer I got was “Love life”?

Indeed.

Although it sounds a bit corny, that tiny phrase summed up the overarching thing I want more than anything: I want to love life. Every single part of it.

But now what?

I began to brainstorm some ideas, and a mind map took shape. While I feverishly wrote things on the map—inspire others, travel the world, fall in love, live abundantly, be a great mom—the most important part of the exercise came at the very end.

Although my first mind was to ignore it, I quickly scribbled the following:

Love

-Not hard work, forcing myself

-Living a life, love every part of it

-If I don’t love it, don’t do it

and finally…

“Dear God, how do I get there? Help!!”

You see, I have no desire to work hard. NONE.

I’m not sure if this is a character flaw or optimism or laziness, but I’m not one of those people who believe that EVERYTHING good comes as a result of some Herculean effort.

Some things come easy. Some things come naturally. Some things come without much effort, but like Lauryn said, “We’d rather make it hard.”

-from the ‘Seven Spiritual Laws of Success’ by Deepak Chopra

I don’t want to work hard for years and years and years and hope that it all turns out well in the end. I want to enjoy, no, LOVE what I do and be content in the fact that it will sustain every desire I have.

The funny thing is—while I believe that working hard for the sake of working hard isn’t the only way—I’m not exactly sure if I’m being a slacker or a true believer.

All I can go on for now is what feels right, and right now…this path that I’m on feels good to me.

And while my goal is to love every single part of this journey,  that doesn’t mean I’ll always like it.

Just like I love my son dearly, but dislike the fact that he won’t just fall in line without a fuss like a lot of kids, this journey won’t be without its bumpy roads.

I’ve already experienced my fair share of mishaps. Invoices took extra long to get paid, assignments have fallen through, speaking engagements were canceled, my credit score took a hit.

But despite the challenges, the worrying, and the uncertainty, I’m happy—something I couldn’t have honestly said two years ago.

These days, though, I wouldn’t trade this life, or my freedom, or this journey for the world.

Can you say the same?

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Do you know what you really want out of life? Please leave me a comment and share your thoughts. 

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